Light Chronicles: Grief

I haven't taken the time to grieve My Father's passing. I realize I don't know how to grieve.

It's easier to recover from a relationship where someone treats Me badly.  It's easy to forgive and let it go. What do You do when the one Person in the World who knows You,  Loves You unconditionally, always wants to be in Your presence, Your best friend, the best Dad ever is just simply gone?

At first,  I thought somehow I would find peace with it helping others feel more comfortable. That's the core of who My Father was, someone who made every single person feel comfortable in His presence.  That's what He would want Me to do, right? I am still fractured.

I thought accessing the giant database of incredible memories My Father created with Me whenever I feel bad would help. In some ways it does. I am still fractured. 

I thought helping others understand His core values would help carry on His legacy by showing a shining example of a life well lived would help. It does help in certain ways.  I am still fractured. 

My Father could not handle it when I cried.  It hurt Him to see His Girls in pain. He only wanted good things for us. I was having a hard time crying because I wanted to be strong. I am not strong when it comes to this grief. I am fractured. 

All of these emotions keep bubbling up and coming out of Me in less than healthy ways and I finally had to admit.  I am fractured. 

I had to admit I am not OK. I can not do this alone.  I needed to seek help. I needed someone to give Me a map for navigating the complicated waters of grief. And so I ran, tears blurring My vision, heart bleeding out to someone I instinctually knew could help Me because I am fractured. 

Over a life saving cup of coffee and a nutrient rich  breakfast, I cried more than I have in My entire life... Louisa's calm, soothing,  matter of fact words permeated My very being and began the process of stitching back together My fractured soul.

She said Grief is nothing more than emotion with no place to go. She sat there across the table,  listening to My garbled and sometimes unintelligible words, taking in My pain on her front patio,  though I had showed up unexpectedly with bags of dirty laundry.  She quietly and lovingly helped Me do My Laundry without judgement, with the patience of a jedi master.

When breakfast was finished,  She gave Me homework. My Assignments:

1. Do something every day with Your Father. Bring Him with You. Talk to Him as if He were there right beside You.
2. Do something You and Your Father used to do together. 
3. Draw an emblem or picture representing who You and Your Father were together.

I agreed, hugged Her as if I would never let Her go and made My way home feeling much lighter, thinking of ways I could fulfill My commitment to complete My homework.

The first day, I took a walk on the beach with My Father.  I listened to His favorite music,  the songs We used to sing together.  I sang out the words to those songs as if He were right there belting the words and melodies out, not caring if I didn't get them right or was singing out of key. Looking down at the salty sea soaked sand, I started to find whole sand dollars, just one at first.  As I moved down the beach,  crying and singing...I spotted another... and another. Before long, the tin I brought along for keeping the fragile sand dollars from breaking was over flowing.  I had found 12 perfect sand dollars in total on a beach were only one or two (if I am lucky) could be found at a time. I was filled with Joy.

The second day, I took a sunrise walk down a dirt road, past the homes of Ticos and Ticas, the village graveyard, across the bridge, moving deeper into the jungle until I came to a field of cows. One giant cow was sitting under a tree close the the road enjoying the morning air, waiting for the light of day. I stopped on the road in front of Her. She saw Me there and let out a big resounding... MOOOOOO.

I MOOOOed back remembering all of the times My Father and I drove past cow fields.  He couldn't see a cow and not tilt His head back and MOOOOOOO as if He were one of them. I stood there feeling as if I would burst with emotion... Here it comes,  I thought... The uncontrollable deluge of tears I wouldn't be able to stop.... but instead,  I started laughing. With images of My Dad embodying the cow.... I laughed harder at cow sounds than I have in My entire life.... I am still fractured,  but in the early morning light of dawn, in the presence of this cow, I could feel the threads of light repairing the rifts in My fractured being.

I think My first two attempts at homework went well.  I will find something to do with My Father every day from now on...

Assignment #2... I am going to learn to fish Tico, Tica style. More on that later.

Assignment #3... I have begun to accumulate the symbols I want to use in My emblem. I have not yet decided if I will attempt to draw a picture or make a collage out of My pictures,  but I am on My way.

I am fractured, but those rips are there to let in the light I need to become a better, less complicated version of Myself. Those rifts bring Me closer to My Father who until this day felt so far away and unreachable. 

I am fractured, but I am truly learning to heal...

I am The Light.